out with the old

out with the old

(Originally published December 21, 2018)

2018, like 2017, like 2016, felt like living in, around, and through Hell. In that spirit, as we close out 2018, "CritelliComedy Comix” has just hit 500 entries! And to celebrate that milestone, it will now cease to exist.

Dry those tears. The old must always fall away to make room for the new.

Okay… what’s new?

THE NEW YORKER REJECTS

This was one of many "rejected New Yorker cartoons" that popped up on my Instagram feed around Halloween. It has the typical signature in the bottom left, without the typical style. I don’t count them toward the 500 mark. They’re their own special breed.

Truth be told, I wasn’t planning to release them at all.

SECRET: I wanted to have a cartoon published in The New Yorker by the end of 2018, to announce that as my "grand finale." The New Yorker only accepts material that has never been published before, online or otherwise, so all these rejects were drawn sometime between between May and July and I could only post them after months of waiting (to hear they’d been rejected). Calling them "new" isn’t accurate — they’d been gathering dust for awhile by October — but there’s one additional layer of irony…

Every “new” New Yorker strip was based on a Tweet that was 4+ years old:

Every. Single. One.

The experiment paid off. Some said "Lou Bega, Landlord" was their favorite strip of mine ever (46 REACTIONS on Facebook alone). Meanwhile, five years ago, it got 3 HEARTS and no RETWEETS. In terms of impact, that’s a drop in the ocean. You could say, "the joke needs the drawing," but back when Twitter was 140 characters only, we all did jokes that way. Mine were just less popular.

But suppose it did need the drawing. Now I have the drawings. Over 500! Some of my fellow Webcomic artists, who I've grown alongside and become friendly with over the years, started small like me but are now into the 10K or 15K+ Follower range. As of today, I'm stuck at 570 followers, and only hit 500 because a few of these friends were gracious enough to share my Comix on their pages. (Shout out to @themiscgenius, @map_entertainments, and @bensoncomics!)

What gives? Can’t a guy catch a break?!

DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

In ancient mythology / Hollywood screenwriting, the “Dark Night of the Soul” refers to the period 3/4 of the way through the journey where our hero suffers his most devastating setback, and contemplates whether to give up the quest entirely.

Shortly after the high of completing #300 — and its triumphant write-up — I got the flu for the umpteenth time that year:

Funny story… I felt sick for months because I was taking a health supplement with ingredients to which I’m severely allergic. (On the bright side, it proved that Juice Plus+ capsules do contain real dehydrated cherry!)

Also during that time, the thumb pain I’d developed in my right hand, my drawing hand, became unbearable. In order to rest it I switched to my left hand. See if you can spot the difference…

Two Comix later, pain getting worse, I went gently into that Dark Night and took six weeks off…

“IT’S LIKE A DIARY. YOUR WORK GROWS WITH YOU.”

That’s from my original essay after the first 200. That’s why taking six weeks off to recover did not help.

Not only did my thumb feel worse, my mood tanked. Drawing helps me grow and work through my thoughts. Without an outlet, they all pile up. I had no choice but to keep going, and miraculously most of my issues started to fade.

I need my Comix.

I need them to react to teenagers on Tumblr casually diagnosing themselves with severe psychiatric conditions:

…I need them to explain how it feels to be approached by up-and-coming creatives before their skills match their ambitions, remembering I used to do the exact same thing at their age, only worse:

…I need them to react, obliquely, to women’s responses to men’s comments on Facebook video makeup tutorials (“Men don’t find this amount of makeup attractive. We prefer a natural look.” “Women. Don’t. Care. What. Men. Think.”) by gender-swapping the roles:

(…Yeah. Inspiration can come from bizarre places.)

But the biggest breakthrough came unexpectedly, as it should. The point of keeping a diary is to reveal to yourself, in your own voice, things you weren’t consciously aware you knew:

That Comix (the plural can also be singular) perfectly encapsulated my feelings about “making.” It’s why taking six weeks off was painful. The waste material of my life got backed up and blocked. Have you ever been constipated for six weeks? I had.

I thought, A-ha! That explains it! My work isn’t just my diary… it’s shit! Hooray!

…Wait. My work is shit??

At various times, you may find you’ve put yourself in a box. Or two boxes, the format I’ve been using for three and a half years. Unfortunately the “shit art” metaphor (not to be confused with “shithole countries”) was baked into this concept from the start:

“Rather than worry about embarrassing myself when trying something new, I always start by trying to do the worst thing I possibly can.”

This was my mantra at the beginning. I still believe it has value for newcomers with perfectionist leanings, but after 3.5 years, I’m no longer a newcomer. I just draw like one out of habit.

What was once new is now old, and old ideas are the worst kind of box. You can’t see them but they trap you anyway.

Which brings us, finally, to CritelliComedy Comix #500…

If that seems like a sour note to end on, it isn’t. As usual there’s a twisted pretzel logic involved.

I assume you’ve read a book before, or gone to a play, or seen a movie. You know “money can’t buy happiness.” It’s not only not an original idea, it’s boring. But the value of art — besides being “sh*t” — is to turn the old on its head so it feels new again.

Money can’t buy happiness, yes. But believing its opposite — happiness can buy money — is a trap as well, and something the self-help industry has been foisting on us for years. “The power of positive thinking.” “Our thoughts create our reality.” “If we raise our vibrations, all our dreams, even the financial ones, will come true!”

If you think being a good person will make you successful in worldly terms, you may turn into a bad person (bitter, angry, resentful) when you find out it’s not that simple. The two tracks run side-by-side with no guarantee they’ll cross. A healthy, happy mind can help you appreciate success, but it’s not required to achieve it.

That’s the moral of #500: if rich and famous people can be unhappy, unhappy people can certainly become rich and famous.

Really?! That’s terrific! Especially if you struggle with self-doubt and insecurity, and you’re waiting for some kind of sign that you’re mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ready before you allow yourself to move forward.

Don’t wait. You don’t need to banish your demons before going after your dreams in earnest. You can play on a bigger stage anytime you want. The demons may stick around, but they don’t determine your choices, you do.

I sent cartoons to The New Yorker not because I knew they would publish me — they haven’t yet — but because I was ready to try.

“Trying?” What a novel idea!

It really is. After 500, starting next year, I’ll be dropping the “Comix” logo and sloppy house style — out with the old — for a fresh approach that involves trying. (Don’t worry, just a little.) A little more planning, a little more care. Making a little bit more of an effort.

What makes you better? Choosing to be better. It’s that easy. And that hard.