ADULT ORCHESTRA

I Grew Up

I heard a rumor
That you've got a tumor,
And that's why you look like
You're feeling so down.
All that I'm saying,
You should quit complaining
And go and turn that frown around.

Used to have cancer too, you know,
But then I grew up.
Realized the very best cure
Is just to stop acting so immature.

People say you're dying,
But they're clearly lying.
My prescription for you,
Would be to suck it up.
Throw away those pills
And put down that last will.
I think we have all heard enough.

If my predictions do prove false,
By some cruel twist of fate,
I'll give my apologies to your widow,
Who'll I'll then proceed to date.

Oh!

(So you got, uh, Craig Campbell on the piano.
Uh, this'd be, uh, Tommy Morris on trombone.
Uh, this is, uh, Ryan Franklin on bass guitar.
And, uh, Andrew Mullen on... I guess it's regular guitar.)

Used to have cancer too, you know,
But then I grew up.
Realized the very best cure
Is just to stop acting so immature.
Skee-bah-dee-bah-bah-bah the cancer,
Yeah, the cancer is what you got.
But not me.
You know why?
Because I grew up.

(Nice.)

You Don't Understand

Once a month,
Every 28 days,
My body discharges
The eggs I lay.
I hate to say it,
But I need to guy to fertilize them.

I'm so sorry
I keep whining;
I just expelled my uterine lining.
I'm not a bitch,
I just need some time to bleed.

I'm a mess, I got
PMS. And you're
Just a man. You know,
You don't understand.
I'm cramping.
I'm bloating.
My vag is overflowing.

Cells roll out of my fallopian tubes.
I get a headache and a pain in my boobs.
I could use an Advil
Or a Tylenol or a Midol.
I would love to take a vacation
From all this ovulation.
Wherever I go
With my ovaries, it follows me.

I'm a mess, I got
PMS. And you're
Just a man. You know,
You don't understand.
I'm cramping.
I'm bloating.
My vag is overflowing.

(Okay.)

Mike Critelli Presents... The Greatest Love Songs of All Time

She's The One

How do you know if a girl is the right one?
To take as your wife, and spend the rest of your life with?
These are the questions that keep me up nights.
I need someone to love, for now and forever.

Just as I was hoping for a means of detection,
I spotted a chick, and I got an erection.
It's not rocket science. Forget introspection.
You'll know she's the one if you get an erection.

When it comes to the ladies,
How clueless am I?
Fortunately my penis
Is a real particular guy.

Let me describe the girl of his dreams:
She's between 4'1" and 7'3",
She's got hair. And she's got eyes.
She's able to walk. She's ideally alive.

Just as I was hoping for a means of detection,
I spotted a chick and I got an erection.
It's not rocket science. Forget introspection.
You'll know she's the one if you get an erection.
You'll know she's the one if you get an erection.
You'll know it's true love if you get an erection.
Not rocket science, forget introspection.
If you get an erection, she's the one.

(All right, everybody.
Let's go crazy.
Or, we could, do the chorus again.
Let's do that.)

Emerald Eyes

My baby told me
That she had emerald eyes,
Ruby red lips,
And ivory thighs.
So I took her
To a jeweler
To get herself appraised.
Turns out those precious body parts
Were all a charade.

I was taken in by appearances.
How stupid could I be?
She looks like a million bucks,
But she's a forgery.

My baby's got the blondest hair you ever saw.
It sparkles in the sun,
And makes men stare in awe.
But the expert
Who appraised her
Said it might be nice to hold,
"But face it, man, her hair's just hair.
It sure as shit ain't gold."

I was taken in by appearances.
How stupid could I be?
Though she might be beautiful,
She's a forgery.

My baby wanted to get married,
So we set a date next spring.
Even though she's technically worthless,
Money isn't everything.
There was the small matter, however,
Of an engagement ring.
So I get her actual diamond.
-- I'm just kidding.

It was cubic zirconia.
It's fake but it looks real.
Being sold a bag of goods,
Let's see how she feels!

My baby wanted to get fake breasts.
I didn't care...

When Women Say Things (Valentine's Day)

As I recall,
It was a week before Valentine's Day.
And at the time,
I had a girlfriend.
But she lived very far away.

So that year we agreed,
Since she lived across the country,
That it would be a hassle
To exchange any gifts.
"So let's just do nothing.
Nothing at all."
And I said, "Yeah,
That would be a nice arrangement."

The day arrived.
And she asked, "What did you get me?"
"Um."
And I said, "Nothing, like we agreed.
Right?"
And that's when she got angry.

And that's when I learned,
When women say things,
They hate it when you listen to them.
So no matter what they tell you,
Regardless of the situation,
Don't believe a word of it.
'Cause they're full of sh--

(I can hear a lot of guys out there
Saying to themselves,
"Oh, that's why I'm bad with women.
I'm such a good listener."
And that's certainly one possibility.
A more likely possibility, however,
Is that you're a little bitch.)

Been Around, Gotten Down

I've been around,
Been all around
This crazy town.
And what I've found, without a doubt,
Is that the ladies like to get down.
Get down.

I've seen some things,
Some thing most people'd find obscene.
But to me they're commonplace,
They're everyday,
They are routine.

I've been with women,
I've been with girls,
I've been with the ladies by the score.
I've gotten down, and down,
And soon I will be getting down some more.

I
Am the best.
I must confess.
I am irresistible
To the members
Of the opposite sex
All across the world.

I've got VD.
A venereal disease.
It'd be fine if it was just one
But it's more like 2, or 3, or 9, or 25.

Got open sores
From all these nameless, faceless whores.
Why did I do this to myself?
I am already in Hell.
I get down...

The problem is
I find a hole
And burrow in there like a mole.
I have no shred of self-respect,
Not to mention self-control.

I
Am ashamed
Of this tawdry game
That my life has become.
I drink rum
Straight from the bottle,
As I cry myself to sleep at night.

How I Spend My Evenings

(I don't know if you knew this, I'm actually an amateur poet. And I'd like to do a little poetry for you... thank you. This one's called "Roses in the Summertime." ... You know what? This isn't the right crowd for this one. I got another one about killing a hooker, how's that? You wanna hear that one?)

"I hope you got your money's worth,"
She spoke soft as a dove.
I smiled at her, quite satisfied,
After I'd paid for love.

'Cause sex, they say, will always sell,
And I will always buy.
She asked if I could "go again."
This lady wasn't shy.

No she wasn't.

But I liked it like that.

All right.

'Cause this is how I spend my Thursday evening,
My Friday evening,
My Saturday too.
I got tired of waking up to the same old face,
So now everyday, it's someone new.
This is how I spend my Sunday evening,
Monday evening,
Tuesday, Wednesday...
And soon as I'm done
And I've had my fun,
I am on my way.

She then leaned o'er to get something -
What it was, I didn't care -
So I stuck a knife into her back,
So tender and so fair.

And as she lay there motionless,
A lesson had been learned:
That if you kill a prostitute
Your money gets returned.

Yes it does.

'Cause I got a refund.

All right.

I've been killing hookers, killing hookers, killing hookers,
Killing hookers, killing hookers, killing hookers,
Killing hookers, killing hookers - oh, and killing hookers,
Killing hookers, killing hookers, killing hookers.

[Scat singing]

(That one's not for everybody. Some people don't like that. I assume those people are prostitutes.)

Dreamcheater

(This is a song about meeting the girl of your dreams.

Take it away...)

I was asleep and dreaming I was at a party
Putting moves on a chick with a fantastic body.
But the fact was, I had a girlfriend
In real life, and we were fairly serious.
But I forgot to tell my dream girl that,
So I could score a piece of fantasy ass.

I'm a dream cheater.
I might be faithful in my waking life,
But when I fall into a real deep sleep
I develop an unhealthy sexual appetite.

We went upstairs. She locked the door.
She was pretty forward. This imaginary whore
Took off my pants, lay me down on the bed.
Then all of a sudden, she was giving me
A hug!

Dream cheater.
I might be faithful in my waking life,
But when I fall into a real deep sleep
I develop an unhealthy sexual appetite.

And then she said to me,
"Wait a minute.
I know you've got a girlfriend.
You were being dishonest."
Don't know what tipped her off,
But she started to run.
Why couldn't she have waited until I was done?
'Til I was done?

Oh no...

Long story short, I chased her down.
I made her finish what she had begun.
But in the end, the joke was on me:
As soon as I woke up, I had to change my,
Had to change my,
Had to change my
Sheets.

Lead Pipe Fox

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THE UPANISHADS

Taittriya II - 6

He who has no form assumed many forms;
He who is infinite appeared finite;
He who is everywhere assumed a place;
He who is all wisdom caused ignorance;
He who is real caused unreality.
It is he who has become everything.
it is he who gives reality to all.

Brahman brought the Lord out of himself;
Brahman brought the Lord out of himself;
Brahman brought the Lord out of himself;
Brahman brought the Lord out of himself;
Brahman brought the Lord out of himself;
Brahman brought the Lord out of himself;
Brahman brought the Lord out of himself;
Brahman brought the Lord out of himself.

Aitareya III - 1

Who is this Self on whom we meditate?
Is it the Self by which we see, hear, smell, and taste,
Through which we speak in words? Is the Self the mind
By which we perceive, direct, understand...

Shvetashvatara II - 12

Health, a light body, freedom from cravings,
A glowing skin, sonorous voice, fragrance
Of body: these signs indicate progress
In the practice of meditation.

As a dusty mirror shines bright when cleansed,
So shine those who realize the Self,
Attain life's goal, and pass beyond all sorrow.

Health, a light body, freedom from cravings,
A glowing skin, sonorous voice, fragrance
Of body: these signs indicate progress
In the practice of meditation.

As a dusty mirror shines bright when cleansed,
So shine those who realize the Self,
Attain life's goal, and pass beyond all sorrow.

UNPLUGGED

"For A' That And A' That" [Key of D#] [Robert Burns (1759-1796)]

Is there for honest poverty
That hings his head, and a' that?
The coward slave, we pass him by;
We dare be poor for a' that!
For a' that, and a' that;
The rank is but the guinea's stamp--
The man's the gowd for a' that!

What tho' on hamely fare we dine,
Wear hodden gray, and a' that?
Gie fools their silks, and knaves their wine--
A man's a man for a' that!
For a' that, and a' that,
Their tinsel show, and a' that;
The honest man, though e'er sae poor,
Is king o' men, for a' that!

Then let us pray that come it may,--
As come it will for a' that,--
That sense and worth, o'er a' the earth,
May bear the gree, an' a' that.
For a' that, and a' that--
That man to man, the warld o'er,
Shall brithers be for a' that.

Ya see yon birke, ca'd a lord,
What struts, an' stares, an' a' that--
Tho' hundreds worship at his word,
He's but a coof for a' that;
For a' that, and a' that,
His riband, star, and a' that;
The man of independent mind,
He looks an' laughs at a' that.

A prince can mak a belted knight,
A marquis, duke, and a' that;
But an honest man's aboon his might--
Gude faith, he mauna fa' that!
For a' that, and a' that,
Their dignities, an' a' that;
The pith o' sense, and pride o' worth,
Are higher rank than a' that.

"Sweetest Love, I Do Not Go" [Key of C#] [John Donne (1572-1631)]

Sweetest love, I do not go
For weariness of thee,
Nor in hope the world can show
A fitter love for me;
But since that I
Must die at last, 'tis best
To use myself in jest
Thus feigned by deaths to die.

Yesternight the sun went hence,
And yet is here today;
He hath no desire nor sense,
Nor half so short a way.
Then fear not me,
But believe that I shall make
Speedier journeys, since I take
More wings and spurs than he.

O how feeble is man's power,
That, if good fortune fall,
Cannot add another hour
Nor a lost hour recall!
But come bad chance,
And we join to it our strength,
And we teach it art and length,
Itself o'er us to advance.

When thou sigh'st thou sigh'st not wind,
But sigh'st my soul away;
When thou weep'st, unkindly kind,
My life's blood doth decay.
It cannot be
That thou lov'st me as thou say'st,
If in thine my life thou waste:
That art the best of me.

Let not thy divining heart
Forethink me any ill;
Destiny may take thy part,
And may thy fears fulfil.
But think that we
Are but turned aside to sleep:
They who one another keep
Alive, ne'er parted be.

Yesternight the sun went hence,
And yet is here today;
He hath no desire nor sense,
Nor half so short a way.

"Rose-Cheeked Laura" [Key of F#] [Thomas Campion (1567-1620)]

Rose-cheeked Laura, come,
Sing thou smoothly with thy beauty's
Silent music, either other
Sweetly gracing.
Either other Sweetly gracing.

Lovely forms do flow
From concent divinely framed;
Heav'n is music, and they beauty's
Birth is heavenly.

These dull notes we sing
Discords need for helps to grace them;
Only beauty purely loving
Knows no discord,

Rose-cheeked Laura, come,
Sing thou smoothly with thy beauty's
Silent music, either other
Sweetly gracing.
Either other Sweetly gracing.
But still moves deligh,
Like clear springs renewed by flowing,
Ever perfect, ever in them-
sevles eternal.

Lovely forms do flow
From concent divinely framed;
Heav'n is music, and they beauty's
Birth is heavenly.

Rose-cheeked Laura, come,
Sing thou smoothly with thy beauty's
Silent music, either other
Sweetly gracing.
Either other Sweetly gracing.

"The Night-Piece to Julia" [Key of A] [Robert Herrick (1591-1674)]

Her eyes the glow-worm lend thee,
The shooting stars attend thee;
And the elves also,
Whose little eyes glow
Like the sparks of fire, befriend thee.

No will-o'-th''wisp mislight thee,
Nor snake or slow-worm bite thee;
But on, on they way,
Not making a stay,
Since ghost there's none to affright thee.

Let not the dark thee cumber;
What though the moon does slumber?
The stars of the night
Will lend thee their light
Like tapers clear without number.

Then, Julia, let me woo thee,
Thus, thus to come unto me;
And when I shall meet
They silv'ry feet
My soul I'll pour into thee.
Then, Julia, let me woo thee,
Thus, thus to come unto me;
And when I shall meet
They silv'ry feet
My soul I'll pour into thee.

Let not the dark thee cumber;
What though the moon does slumber?
Let not the dark thee cumber;
What though the moon does slumber?

Then, Julia, let me woo thee,
Thus, thus to come unto me;
And when I shall meet
They silv'ry feet
My soul I'll pour into thee.

"Drink to Me Only With Thine Eyes" [Key of A#] [Ben Jonson (1572-1637)]

Drink to me only with thine eyes,
And I will pledge with mine;
Or leave a kiss but in the cup,
And I'll not look for wine.
The thirst that from the soul doth rise
Doth ask a drink divine;
Doth ask a drink divine.

But might I of Jove's nectar cup,
I would not change for thine.
But might I of Jove's nectar cup,
I would not change for thine.
Change for thine.

I sent thee late a rosy wreath,
Not so much honoring thee
As giving it a hope that there
I could not withered be.

But thou thereon didst only breathe,
And sent'st it back to me;
Since when it grows, and smells, I swear,
Not of itself, but thee.

Drink to me only with thine eyes,
And I will pledge with mine;
Or leave a kiss but in the cup,
And I'll not look for wine.

"The Tyger" [Key of D] [William Blake (1757-1827)]

Tyger, Tyger burning bright
In the forests of the night;
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes!
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand, dare seize the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art,
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?
What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears
And water'd heaven with their tears:
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger, Tyger burning bright
In the forests of the night;
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
Tyger, Tyger burning bright
In the forests of the night;
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
What immortal hand or eye,
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

"Care-Charmer Sleep, Son of the Sable Night" [Key of C] [Samuel Daniel (1562-1619)]

Care-charmer Sleep, son of the sable Night,
Brother to Death, in silent darkness born,

Relieve my languish, and restore the light;
With dark forgetting of my cares return.
And let the day be time enough to mourn
The shipwreck of my ill-adventured youth;

Let waking eyes suffice to wail their scorn
Without the torment of the night's untruth
Cease, dreams, th' images of the day-desires,
To model forth the passions of the morrow;

Never let rising sun approve you liars,
To add more grief to aggravate my sorrow.
Never let rising sun approve you liars,
To add more grief to aggravate my sorrow.

Still let me sleep, embracing clouds in vain,
And never wake to feel the day's disdain.

Care-charmer Sleep, son of the sable Night,
Brother to Death, in silent darkness born,

And let the day be time enough to mourn
The shipwreck of my ill-adventured youth;

Never let rising sun approve you liars,
To add more grief to aggravate my sorrow.
Never let rising sun approve you liars,
To add more grief to aggravate my sorrow.
Never let rising sun approve you liars,
To add more grief to aggravate my sorrow.
Never let rising sun approve you liars,
To add more grief to aggravate my sorrow.

"Tichborne's Elegy" [Key of F] [Chidiock Tichborne (1568-1586)]

My prime of youth is but a frost of cares,
My feast of joy is but a dish of pain,

My crop of corn is but a field of tares,
And all my good is but vain hope of gain:

The day is past, and yet I saw no sun,
And now I love, and now my life is done.
The day is past, and yet I saw no sun,
And now I love, and now my life is done.

My tale was heard, and yet it was not told,
My fruit is fall'n, and yet my leaves are green,

My youth was spent, and yet I am not old,
I saw the world, and yet I was not seen:

My thread is cut, and yet it is not spun,
And now I live, and now my life is done.
My thread is cut, and yet it is not spun,
And now I live, and now my life is done.

I sought my death, and found it in my womb,
I looked for life, and saw it was a shade,
I trod the earth, and knew it was my tomb,
I sought my death, and found it in my womb,
I looked for life, and saw it was a shade,
I trod the earth, and knew it was my tomb,

My glass is full, and now my glass is run,
And now I live, and now my life is done.
My glass is full, and now my glass is run,
And now I live, and now my life is done.
My glass is full, and now my glass is run,
And now I live, and now my life is done.

"The Definition of Love" [Key of G] [Andrew Marvell (1621-1678)]

My love is of a birth as rare
As 'tis for object strange and high;
It was begotten by despair
Upon impossibility.

Magnanimous despair alone
Could show me so divine a thing,
Where feeble hope could ne'er have flown,
But vainly flapped its tinsel wing.

And yet I quickly might arrive
Where my extended soul is fixed,
But fate does iron wedges drive,
And always crowds itself betwixt.

For fate with jealous eye does see
Two perfect loves, nor lets them close;
Their union would her ruin be,
And her tyrannic power depose.

And therefore her decrees of steel
Us as the distant poles have placed,
Though love's whole world on us doth wheel,
Not by themselves to be embraced;

Unless the giddy heaven fall,
And earth some new convulsion tear,
And, us to join, the world should all
Be cramped into a planisphere.

And yet I quickly might arrive
Where my extended soul is fixed,
But fate does iron wedges drive,
And always crowds itself betwixt.

For fate with jealous eye does see
Two perfect loves, nor lets them close;
Their union would her ruin be,
And her tyrannic power depose.

And yet I quickly might arrive
Where my extended soul is fixed,
But fate does iron wedges drive,
And always crowds itself betwixt.

For fate with jealous eye does see
Two perfect loves, nor lets them close;
Their union would her ruin be,
And her tyrannic power depose.

As lines, so loves, oblique may well
Themselves in every angle greet;
But ours so truly parallel
Though infinite, can never meet.

Therefore the love which us doth bind,
But fate so enviously debars,
Is the conjunction of the mind,
And opposition of the stars.

"To Mistress Mary Margaret Hussey" [Key of B] [John Skelton (1460-1529)]

Merry Margaret,
As midsummer flower,
Gentle as falcon
Or hawk of the tower:
With solace and gladness,
Much mirth and no madness,
All good and no badness;

So joyously,
So maidenly,
So womanly
Her demeaning
In every thing,
Far, far passing
That I can indite,
Or suffice to write
Of Merry Margaret.

Steadfast of thought,
Well made, well wrought,
Far may be sought
Ere that ye can find
So courteous, so kind
As Merry Margaret.

Merry Margaret,
As midsummer flower,
Gentle as falcon
Or hawk of the tower:
With solace and gladness,
Much mirth and no madness,
All good and no badness;

So joyously,
So maidenly,
So womanly
Her demeaning
In every thing,
Far, far passing
That I can indite,
Or suffice to write
Of Merry Margaret.

As Merry Margaret.

So joyously,
So maidenly,
So womanly
Her demeaning
In every thing,
Far, far passing
That I can indite,
Or suffice to write
Of Merry Margaret.

As Merry Margaret.

"So We'll Go No More A'Roving" [Key of E] [Lord Byron (1788-1824)]

So, we'll go no more a-roving
So late into the night,
Though the heart be still as loving,
And the moon be still as bright.

For the sword outwears its sheath,
And the soul outwears the breast,
And the heart must pause to breathe,
And love itself have rest.

Though the heart was made for loving,
And the day returns too soon,
Yet we'll go no more a-roving
By the light of the moon.

So, we'll go no more a-roving
So late into the night,
Though the heart be still as loving,
And the moon be still as bright.

For the sword outwears its sheath,
And the soul outwears the breast,
And the heart must pause to breathe,
And love itself have rest.

Though the heart was made for loving,
And the day returns too soon,
Yet we'll go no more a-roving
By the light of the moon.

"Weep You No More, Sad Fountains" [Key of G#] [Anonymous]

Weep you no more, sad fountains;
What need you flow so fast?
Look how the snowy mountains
Heaven's sun doth gently waste.

But my sun's heavenly eyes
View not your weeping,
That now lies sleeping
Softly, no softly lies
Sleeping.

Sleep is a reconciling,
A rest that peace begets.
Doth not the sun rise smiling
When fair at ev'n he sets?

Rest you then, rest, sad eyes,
Melt not in weeping,
While she lies sleeping
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.

Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.
Softly, now softly lies
Sleeping.

Lyrics

ADULT ORCHESTRA

Mike Critelli Presents... The Greatest Love Songs of All Time

Lead Pipe Fox

THE UPANISHADS

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